im SO SICK of all this political shit. SERIOUSLY. I would put this on Myspace but 1. im not gonna invite a bunch of my "friends" to tear me down about what I think, and 2. all the Facebook and myspace political posting is what is REALLY irking me right now.

can everyone just STFU plleeeaaassseee?!? Obama won. GET OVER IT. We should support our new President whether we voted for him or not, because we wanted everyone to vote, and they did. and they voted for him. so STFU. (and by the way, I voted for MCCAIN. thanks very much).

Its REALLY REALLY ironic and funny to me that McCain and Obama can act like adults and congragulate each other and work together, YET, the American people can't seem to do the same thing. The extreme liberals are rubbing their "win" in the republicans faces, and the extreme conservatives are bitching about how the country is going to go in the shitter now. And, if McCain won, it would be exactly the same thing, the other way around. Im not saying every single person in the country is acting this way towards each other; but the ones that are need to...

STFU! PLEASE! let life go ON. It's just really bugging the crapola out of me.

and by the way, life isnt going to end because Prop 8 passed. Honestly, if people would just shut up about hating our government or the way things are run, or bitching about how the American people "voted wrong"...WELL, dont live in a Democracy then! Or move to England. They are way liberal over there. Same with Canada. All valid options. BITCHING about things not going your way, or GLOATING that things did, is NOT a valid option. its childish, immature, ridiculous and spurns on exactly what you are trying to fight AGAINST: inequality, misunderstanding, and unsympathetic views.

so...STFU. please. The election is over, take a deep breathe, and go to work or school.  just like you did on Monday. k? sounds good.

Going away and traveling has a way of always clearing my mind and making it very clear what I want out of life...and what I don't. It's just a matter of getting there I suppose. Either way, traveling (especially roadtrips) makes me think ALOT about life, love, mistakes, desires and who I really am...or want to be. Sometimes what I discover isn't always good. But the truth hurts sometimes I guess.

I wish I could drive everywhere, I love driving. I drove all the way from Lake Forest to Portland (thats 18 hours) and was fine to keep going. and I drove all the way from the top of the Olympic Peninsula to Lake Forest. (23 hours)- that was with a long detour down the Oregon Coast. I just love to drive, and drive. Maybe I have a complex with running away? I dunno. I am trying to transfer to school in Olympia, but we'll see. I'd love to live up there. I love the weather. Everyone I know that moved there from here hates the winter, but that's because they are from here. After living in Hawaii I have come to loathe the sun and the heat. (unless it is desert heat, I love the desert). I cant do this humid, tropical, suffocating skin cancer weather much longer. I'll take the weather up there any day over here. Portland was quite nice and I can see why Katherine likes it so much. There are so many things about it that are really great, and the outskirts are beautiful, Troutdale especially. I could def. kick it in Portland.

Basically, I have never seen such beautiful landscape in my life as I did on this trip. Why people dont travel around the US more than going international, I dont know. Not knocking international travel, I love to travel, but America has so many amazing places that I think everyone is jipping themselves by not seeing it. The forests (especially the rain forests) on the Olympic Peninsula in WA are breathtaking. These 100+ ft trees just covered and drapped in bright green moss, hanging off of every branch. It looked like a fairy land. Like God just took a huge bucket of green and turned it over and it just fell onto these forests. And waterfalls are EVERYWHERE, each one prettier than the last. Like how Eddie Izzard makes fun of Europe and all the castles ("Oh another castle, gotta drive around...") thats how the Northwest is with waterfalls. This one lake called Lake Crescent was the most gorgeous body of water I have ever seen. Mountains on all sides, and the water was a nice ice chill, and the CLEAREST water I have ever seen. I didn't want to swim in it, I wanted to DRINK it. It looked better than my Aquafina! It is all glacial run off, thats why. I couldn't bring myself to do more than stick the tip of my finger in though, I was worried I would contaminate it. Yes, it was that clear and pretty. I honestly felt like I was going to ruin it by touching it. Especially compared to Lake SMELLsinore down here (bleh).

But my favorite place was definetly La Push, WA. It's a coastal city (and if you've read Twilight it is where Jacob lives...ya, ya...) ANYWAY, it was glorious. It was my perfect kind of beach. I'm not a tropical beach person. I know I live in Hawaii, but there are no pictures of me on a beach in Hawaii except when Julie came to visit me. And I was there for 5 months. So, ya. Not a fan of those. I've become very adverse to cancer causing weather. But the ones along the west coast of the Peninsula (including Kalaloch Beaches) were amazing. Light salt air, chilly breeze, driftwood EVERYWHERE for miles. Entire logs of white driftwood you could just cop a squat on - and it burns blue. It's true, we tested it. The best thing about this beach is the rocks (sounds dumb). There isnt sand on this beach, it is just littered with pebbles and rocks. But they are all glass smooth, skipping stone rocks. Some as big as my feet and other as small as my fingernail. And they were all different colors like flat grey, sea green, white, indigo, and even orange quartz stones. All over the beach. Amazing and so simple, yet beautiful. I mean, they are just rocks - but I was captivated. I brought home some driftwood and a handful of rocks from that beach and it was my favorite thing I got on the trip (and it was free! hey now!). And by the way Sharon, Forks is not a "shit hole" as Julie said haha. It's a REALLY small town with not a lot going on, and the pretty forests are on the outside of town, but it really grew on me. I liked it (it had a great little breakfast place!), Julie wasn't diggin it - she said she preferred the Forks "in her mind" than the real one. We both equally liked La Push though so we agreed on that.


Besides breaking my finger on the first day (Julie smashed my hand with a 2x4 haha, it was an accident) and us both getting food poisioning on the third day (after further research the culprit seems to be Salmonella), one of the best trips ever. Wasn't as eventful as I thought it would be though. Not one speeding ticket, even though I was pushing 95 all the way up and down the 5, and no blown out tires! ( I have a knack for destroying tires. If there is a nail on the road within a 10 mile radius, my tires will find it). My 100k Honda held up pretty well. It was smooth sailing, which was really surprising. It was two weeks long and it felt too short. Im ready to drive to AZ and see the Grand Canyon now! I've got the fever...

What happens in 'Twilight' when you faint in public: Edward Cullen runs after you, scoops you up and carries you to the nurses office practically making you faint again from the sheer chivalry of the act.

What happens in the REAL WORLD when you faint in public: You nearly fall down a staircase at the beach head first and when you come to (after face planting into the hand railing), you see that people are walking around you like you arent even there. Your knight in shining armor is some random old hippy who shoves a jug of water (or I think it was water...) at you then promptly walks away without saying a word.

Bummer.



On another note, I wish I had an endless supply of money. I know this is a selfish and obvious statement, but seriously, think about it. I could accomplish so much. All the hobbies I could take up that I couldn't now because I dont have the money. I could try my hand at photography if I wanted. I could afford all the expensive equipment, and the trips to exotic places to fatten up my portfolio. I could by a Grand Piano and take up lessons and force myself to finally learn. I could hire a tutor and learn German. I could buy a first edition of every classic book I've ever loved. I could construct my own secret garden with a stone wall and a wooden door and have an endless maze of roses. I could I could buy those cute rainboots from Delia's I want really bad. I dunno, I just got caught up in the thought process today. The dream of having and endless supply of money and what I might do with it.


Oh, to be a heroine.

I am finishing filling out my application for transfer to Evergreen State today. They are still acccepting fall applications. I dont know if my transcripts will get there in time, so we'll see. Im gonna try. I'd rather be going to school on the mainland (and NOT living with my mother). Plus its an hour south of my sister and an hour north of Katherine, and I like that. Plus I like the weather there. I just need to find some place else. Why do I have a sneaky feeling that as I get older and after I graduate I am probably not gonna stay in one place longer than a year? I guess im just fidgity, I need to get out there.

So im terrbily upset with the finale of the Twilight saga. 'Breaking Dawn' was bad. No, not bad - TERRIBLE. It wasn't even like the same author wrote it; it felt like some kid wrote it who didnt grasp the story or characters at all. I was waiting for the page near the middle of the book that said "HAHA! JK! This is actually a fake manuscript! Here's the real one..." But that page never came :( I am a very sad girl. I loved this series. I STILL love this series! But only books 1-3. I adore those books, and I want to burn the 4th one in the pyre. So sad. I'm just glad I am not alone on that - the novel has been getting scathing reviews as well. From reviewers that praised the other 3 books. Makes me feel like its not just me - the book just flat out blows. Thanks Stephenie Meyer! The crazy mormon that has been lurking in you (and that you successfully repressed) for the last 3 novels has finally manisfested itself something FIERCE in your 4th one. You freakin' looney toon.

Julie and I are leaving on our roadtrip 3 days early. This was at her urging, not mine. But I feel like we should leave early too. Me and Julie are just like that. It's hard to explain. If she is thinking something or feeling something, or struggling with something, than I usually am too. About the same stuff. Maybe they follow within a day of each other. So it seemed weird to me that even though I WANTED to leave early because I felt (because of certain things) that I needed to get out of here sooner, I didnt want to ask her to do that because I knew she couldnt take the time off of work. But low and behold, the very next day she tells me "I dont care about the work, Ill get my days covered. I just need to get out of here and the sooner the better. I hope thats okay". I know that example doesnt paint a clear picture at all, but its just how we are. Im surprised we even have conversations about anything because im sure we could communicate rather effectively just by thinking the same things at the same time, or by looks we give each other or feelings we have. We probably dont even need to actually talk to each other at all if it came down to it. We probably wouldnt even realize that we were doing anything different. We are just that much on the same plane of existence. It's weird to describe. I dont think I could ever not be her friend now that Ive met her. We are just kindred spirits.

AH. I have to eat lunch and then go badger all the colleges ive ever went to to send my transcripts to Evergreen ASAP.

ya...I need to write an entry. not tonight. im too tired. but I need to. I've neglected this guy far too long.

Im going home to california tomorrow. although "home" is a pretty loose term in my neck of the woods nowadays. As of June 30th I will have no permanent residence ANYWHERE. that...really sucks balls, by the way. I hate it. alot. Im basically staying with people for a few months at a time here or there until Im done with college I guess. IE staying with my dad from July-September (THAT should be interesting...) staying with my mom in hawaii until december, staying with my grandma until January...you get the idea. really sucky!! I want a home base really bad :-/. How did this happen? How did my life get turned into some nomadic existence? how did I let that happen?

but I AM excited about coming home. particulary to see my CAT! and to see Sharon! and to see Julie! other things like comfort food (In N Out, Johns Place, Rubys...you get it) that they dont have in Hawaii im pretty excited about too. and once I get my schedule changed at work, ill be excited about that too.

and FLORIDA in june!
and COMIC CON in july!
and CANADA, WASHINGTON and OREGON in august!

...and sharons son in july too :)

twill be an eventful summer.

im having a a struggle in my life right now, between two halves of me. The logical, reasonable and rational side (which for those who know me, know that this is the side that wins out in 99% of all my inner struggles and decisions. I always - no matter how much i want to think with my heart - end up in the end thinking with my head). and the quixotic side of me; the irresponsible, romantic, unrealistic, rebellious and dreamer side of myself - the side that is probably pretty damn pale after having been chained in the dungeons of my mind for far too long. Quixotic happens to be my new favorite word nowadays since it describes perfectly a part of me that is struggling to burst out of me, but my logical side wont let it. UGH. It's one thing to have a really hard time deciding between making a decision or living your life by thinking with your head or your heart...but when you cant even decide which METHOD of even looking at the situation that you're trying to decide between...im pretty sure ive stepped into a much deeper part of my psyche than I should be allowed to go. im obviously too overly analytical and so NOT quixotic if im deliberating the pro's and con's of thinking with my head or my heart. im still very much a logical person im sad to say.

it goes even farther than that though, its not just quixotic vs. logical; it's spontaneous vs. planned, it's dreamer vs. realist, it's gray area vs. everything is black/white...being logical hasnt really given me much benefit (not really anyway I guess), but im still TOO logical to see the plethora of downsides from being such a dreamer, that I can't allow myself to be.

I can't believe I just wrote an entire entry on this. im a douche. but yes, im pretty sure at one point or another, that "quixotic" side of me - whether because of too much pressure or an outside catalyst - is going to break free one day, and im pretty sure its going to run rampant through my life knocking down and burning to the ground all my nest eggs and foundations laid out by my responsible self. its coming, I just dont know when. I really hope when it does though I don't fly TOO off the handle...eh. im probably just gonna end up a picky, stubborn, "logical" guidance counselor at some high school with a fat savings account but no where to spend it on or something like that. but maybe ill have a tattoo somewhere that my beige business suit can hide...doubtful.

I am utterly and amazingly ridiculously thrilled to be sitting at home in my bed right now. I am so in love with my beautiful, thoughtful and fun friends. I love my cat and I love that she is in my bed with me. I love driving my little box of a Honda, I love driving on OC freeways, I love my job at Disney...I love love love that I am home right now. LOVE. :-D

today I went shopping:
+ 8 new shirts
+ 2 new scarves
+ 1 new pair of jeans
+ 2 new bras
+ 1 necklace
+ new lancome mascara and eyelash curler

pretty productive. and I have 65$ left over I didnt think I had. new phone or boots? new phone...or boots? help me decide.

and um homeboy who sold me the jeans? WAY HOT. all the sizes were in inches (ie size 26, 27, 28..) and I have never bought a pair of jeans like that so I had no idea what size I was. and I can never find jeans to fit my body. EVER. and he looked at me and said
"you're a 28; that's like a size 6"
"are you sure? jeans dont fit me ever"
"here try these"

sure enough they TOTALLY fit. boy has talent. jean sizing talent. underrated I think. AND he's from Orange. hometown connection. whatever, he was hot and found me jeans.

talked to my friend Julie today. She's coming to visit and stay with my April 1-8th. SO EXCITED!!!! AND, me and her are planning to go to Florida and Disneyworld for 5 days for my birthday. Im so excited!!

no what else I am excited about? COMING HOME NEXT WEEK! YAAAAAAAY! also excited about almost being done with my research paper, having a 93% in my hawaiian foreign language class, and LOST this season kicking so much ass I might have a stroke from the awesome that is radiating from my TV when it is on.

so im probably taking back my iPhone. It's not that great! It's kinda already malfunctioning (turning off on its own, bringing up folders I didnt open? wtf?) but its also just kinda a hassle the more ive been using it. Its really heavy and everytime I move it like an inch to the right or whatever, it flips the screen. kinda annoying. and THIS is why I kept my old phone. This iPhone makes stuff harder not easier. When they put everything thats in an iPhone into a phone half its weight and half the plan rate, then I'll think about getting another one. But as of right now, its going back to Apple tomorrow.

ya my insomnia is back pretty hardcore. I dont know why I get episodes of insomnia but it gets bad. I feel like im turning into "The Machinist" or something.

The Oscars this year blew. totally boring. Excpet for Gary Busey going creeper crazy at Jennifer Garner (Sharon, I DID watch the video of that). That was pretty amazing.

saw Matthew Fox. mmmm. too bad I didnt get a real good look. only enough to know it was him before he drove off. My next goal is to like SEE see him. and then break up his marriage. but baby steps.

I went and bought myself an iPhone :) I cant activate it yet though because all my Cingular account info is under my moms info and she is on a plane right now. So I have to wait until she lands. And its just sitting there begging for me to play with it! It's gonna be weird to get used to (I really like my lightweight little flip razor) but the iPhone is just more practical. Plus, I had a shitty week and wanted to buy myself something. It's basically the most expensive thing ive ever bought myself to be sure. and watch me break it in a week when I drop it in the toliet.

Um, so I am so excited to come back for Spring Break! I miss Sharon and Christy, and my cat! I miss my cat so much its probably unhealthy. OMG and Katherine is gonna be in town for like, 4 days when I am too. thats awesome. its been too long. Im bummed I have to work M-F the week I am back though. Its not like a weeks worth of working is gonna give me an amazing paycheck? Its like I am working just to keep my job, because if I dont work on my break they kinda fire me. Actually, its exactly like working just to keep my job. I am very excited to see my friends from Disney though. I made like 50000000 friends there and am excited to see them all! And my good friend Julie is coming to Hawaii to visit me when I come back from break! and then punch through that last month and im back for the whole summer!!

I got accepted to the volunteer program for animal activism that I wanted to do (the one in Australia) but I think im gonna turn it down :-/. I really really wanna do it, but I also want to spend as much time at home as I can. And Australia isnt going anywhere. hopefully.

valentines day has never really bothered me? I was never one of those V-Day haters, it was just...another day. Even if I had a boyfriend/husband I think I would feel the same way. Why the hell would I be excited about getting red roses (my least favorite flower) and chocolate from Longs Drugs that every other woman on the planet is getting the same day as me? Pretty lame. But this year it makes me really sad :( probably because Im a million miles away from everyone I love. My mom is here but so is her boyfriend so she'll be spending tomorrow with him, so im just kinda here :-/. I just miss everyone I think.

I've been having chronic headaches, one every day for the past 2 weeks. (and I usually get a headache MAYBE twice a year?) its very odd and painful. Maybe I should go to the doctor before I ruin my kidneys with too much Tylenol.

There is a really cute guy in my Hawaiian language class. He looks like a thin version of Eric Bana and Matthew Fox. not bad eh? and he is from Germany, MUNICH Germany (the one place in the world im DYING to go to). HOT! Kind of ironic he looks like Eric Bana...and he is from Munich...get it?

I have alot of options to do stuff this summer, and I havent decided if anything will work out?
Option A: Stay home the entire summer, soak in time with friends, work/save money, go to Disneyworld for my Birthday.

Option B: Visit Jordynn is Spain in June and country hop with her.

Option C: Join a volunteer program they have offered at school over the summer to visit/live in New Zealand, Australia, and Thailand and volunteer with animal conservation projects with Koala Bears, Kangaroos, Elephants and other indiginous species to the area.

how effing cool would option C be!? I get to live in Australia and feed and hold Koala Bears all summer!? um okay! we'll see what happens. I dont want to loose my job, and if I dont work at least HALF of the summer, I just might be fired, therefore have to quit :( which would break my heart!

I have a meeting on friday with the Study Abroad program for HPU for fall semester. They seem interested in me, but considering I dont have many electives left to take and my major doesnt qualify for any programs I dont know why? I'd love to go and they know my major so...maybe they have an idea on where to send me/do with me. We'll see. It would be cool. We'll see what they say.

I hope everyone has a great Valentines Day!

all my entries lately have been me bitching, or just sugar coating my bitching which is still bitching. but I guess thats what journals are for?

well im gonna bitch some more. something isnt right. I feel utterly isolated and not...me? Probably is an obvious statement considering I just moved to an entirely new place and left behind every one of my friends, my kitty (who I love to death and I dont care if she is just a cat!), and my job that I love (as gay as it is, i loved going to work and not many people can say that about a job they worked 50 hours a week ON TOP of school). This just isnt my home. I know im a travel junkie, and I love adventure; but im also wholly sentimental. And there isnt anything more sentimental than home. I havent met one person out here who makes me as happy as my friends I had back home (or fun for that matter). I just dont feel like "me" at all here. it's like an entirely negative, dead version of myself. At first I just thought it would pass and i'd get through it, but it hasnt and I feel like im just sleep walking through my days here. And im 22 years old, and I dont want to waste one second of my youth not enjoying it or living it to the fullest. I'll have plenty of time doing the monotone days that im sleep-walking through when im in my 40's, when you are SUPPOSED to do it. Im never going to get this time back and I dont want to spend it feeling like this...for months and months at a time. I'm not saying I think school is a waste of time and I should drop out and just "have fun". I want to get my degree, I just dont want to be miserable for the next two years getting it and wasting part of my life hating life, if I dont have to. Some people move away from home and realize they were always meant to be somewhere else; im not that person I guess. This place just doesnt fit for me. Im not ready to kill myself over it or anything, im just not happy here. If I HAVE to stay, I will. but im trying to look at options. I just feel shitty about it. My mom has spent so much money on me out here (not just school). Buying a car (and getting a 2 year warranty), flying me over, getting me furniture for my room, etc. and to just be like "ya...peace out!" makes me feel like the shittiest most ungrateful person ever. I know I just need to talk to her about it because she doesnt want me to be unhappy. I just feel horrible feeling like ive wasted her time and money. I just wish I knew what to do.

im seriously considering getting a tattoo; probably if I go to Europe this summer with my friends. Im playing with the idea of a few different things, most likely going on the inside of my foot. (I can't think of another place to put a tattoo that wouldn't haunt me down the road?). One of the things im thinking of doing is taking a bible verse, or a quote that means alot to me, a song lyric, what have you, and scrolling it on the inside of my foot along the arch (if that makes sense?) just an idea, we will see where it goes I guess.

I LOVE...

+ my new car. its so fun.
+ the season opening of LOST. Matthew Fox just needs to marry me now. PS Jack totally woulda shot Locke...wow.
+ PEANUT BUTTER. lord, im addicted to it. its my new ketchup. food just isnt worth eating lately unless there is some peanut butter with it.
+ my friend Julie; I miss her alot and her phone calls keep me sane over here.
+ guitar hero. also something im addicted to. my fingers have been cramping up from playing it too much.
+ AFI; I've just gotten into them.
+ the fact I see a rainbow every single day.

things I'm not very fond of...

+ its raining like a mo fo here now. rain is nice, but not when it goes from being supper sunny to hurricane down pours in 10 seconds, then back again 2 minutes later. It's just too unpredictable.
+ missing my cat.
+ my writing class can suck it.
+ the only friend I've made here annoys the hell outta me. she is obbssesed with getting married. It's all she ever talks about. I want to punch her in the eye.
+ living with my mom gets very draining and I lack the independence I soooooo crave and had made for myself over the past few years.
+ I have some guilt on my shoulders from something that happened at home before I left, and its been on my mind alot lately. but I cant do anything about it here. thats all im gonna say about it.

the MINUTE I graduate, Im so out the door its not even funny. I HATE living under my moms dollar. ive hated it for a long time. Id rather be eating top ramen every meal and living in a hole then living under her dollar. But I'd be a true idiot not to take a free education; and with that comes my crazy mother and her totalitarian regime, so I guess I just have to deal with my issues with it. But im a 22 year old and she wants to keep me 5 years old and under her thumb forever, and her money is a means of control. alot of control. and it frickin SUCKS. The second I graduate, im outta here.

I am in hawaii...and staying. :)

I got a new car today. a silver saturn vue; another SUV! I cant seem to stay away from them. but at least this one ISNT white. I broke the boring family tradition of white cars.

I miss some people alot; like ALOT.

my mom does alot. and deals with alot. if anything im happy im here just for her. I think she was really having a hard time out here without loved ones.

Im very homesick. like i said, I miss certain people ALOT. and I miss my comfort and my routine and my kitty. and my job. I miss everything that made my life MY life. because its all different now. even getting a new car. I have a new house, a new school, a new room, a new car, a new enviornment. all that at once can make you not feel like you anymore.

im not bitching, trust me. Im getting a free education, living in a huge beach house in HAWAII, and just got a brand new car. I know ive got it made. im just dealing.

I am in Costa Rica! with my family of about 300 that are all apparently my "cousins", everyone is a cousin here even if they are 100 years old or 1 month old. and no one speaks english and we dont speak spanish. its brilliant. but they make amazing food, and we have tranny hookers on the street by our hotel. doesnt get much better I say.

saturday we drive 4 hours to our private villa (yep you read that right bitches!) and thats when "family time" stops and "vacation time" starts, and im quite excited for that :)

Adios muchachas!

So ya....Christmas this year sucks. My mom isnt coming home and I work Xmas Eve AND Xmas day. So ya...whatevs. Whata gonna do. Its one year.

Its gonna be hard leaving. Yay for hawaii for reals and everything but, ive made some really close friends in the last few months (kinda ridiculously close for only meeting a few months ago...crazy) and I so dont want to leave! and things at work I had to say no to doing because im leaving...bummer. Ah well, itll be good to sleep again. As it is, ive been kinda going out after work pretty much every night. crazy. Thats not really like me. And im working on 3-4 hours sleep tops the whole week. fun has been taking priority over sleep lately. But not tonight. Im home on a saturday because I need sleep or else I just might die. for real.


so...on another note I feel pretty damn pimp right now. I ain't gonna lie about it :)